Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize