fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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