I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
