I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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