When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
