I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
