Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
