Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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