i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
