I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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