If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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