I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize