My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
