tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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