he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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