It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
