I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
