Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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