Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
