I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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