The police scanner is talking about you again....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
