Umm I'm too high to move.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
