Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
