Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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