I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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