That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
