i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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