there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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