She is in my trunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
