At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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