His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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