I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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