That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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