The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
