Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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