10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
