sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
