What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize