just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
