chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize