Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
