it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
