I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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