he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
