life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sext me about skeletons
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
