New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize