my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
