the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize