My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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