I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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