my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
