today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
