Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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