good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize