According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
