While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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