y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Send help, water and tortillas.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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