those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
