I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
