your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
