is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
