Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
